This is probably one of the most personal podcast and blog posts I've ever done. I'm a little nervous to share it but I know it can help someone else so I will share what comes through me today.
I know for many 2020 was a year of turmoil. Maybe inner turmoil maybe external turmoil. It was a time of reckoning. For myself I had already slid down a slippery slope in 2019.
In 2019 I was wanting to have another baby, and it was not happening. I started to drink a little more to cope with the feelings of being a failure, the longing for someone that was not occuring.
As time moved forward 2020 is now upon us and as we all know March of 2020 was when everything came to a halt. For me I paused thinking about a baby because we didn't know what was going on and it was a big unknown. I started to drink more to cope with everything.
At the same time I started drinking more I knew I had tools from Ayurveda and yoga that I should be utilizing but wasn't I stopped doing the things that really would have filled up my cup and turned to wine.
It started very innocently just on Fridays and Saturdays but quickly turned into Thursday-Sunday. Than almost a drink or two or three a night. It just became a vicious habit for almost two years.
I wanted to break it but couldn't. I signed up for my 500 HR yoga teacher training thinking that might be the thing to kick the habit. It slowed it down but still couldn't give up my wine most nights.
I would write in my journal every new moon my intention is not to drink this next month, it never stuck. Over and over and over again I would write this. I wrote poetry which really breaks my heart reading now because I could see how bad my pain was around this and couldn't help myself and my husband didn't know how to help either.
I started trying to swap out my wine for something else. My wine became a ritual at the end of the night that I needed to "unwind". I bought Curious Elixirs thinking that might do the trick. Spoiler it really really did help me. I was able to get back to just drinking on Fridays and Saturdays with that solution.
The same time the world is opening up and I'm still wanting a baby and still numbing out because it's not happening.
**Drinking as much as I was is not a great place to make a baby from.
At the start of 2022 I decided something needed to change I wasn't going to drink at home any longer. I was just going to drink when out at restaurants or girls nights.
I couldn't even make it into January before I folded. I realized I had a problem. I couldn't make it 10 days without needing wine. In March of 2023 I decided it was time to cut it out completely and take the steps to heal my body, and hormones if I was serious about having a a baby. I hired my friend of the podcast- Krista King and took my hormone test to reveal that I had high estrogen. Which was no shocker to me since I had been drinking so much. I got on some supplements and cut out alcohol for 76 days.
I did drink when I was on a business trip in LA. I thought long and hard about do I want to break my streak and I said yes, that I was out with friends at a restaurant that was my plan this year and had a few glasses.
Well I came home and drank at home one last time because I was so sick after and that was it. Plus I found out a few weeks later I was pregnant.
My last glass of wine was June 8th, 2022. I then found out I was pregnant and haven't touched alcohol since. I know pregnancy definitely helped me kick alcohol but it was also what my soul was longing for the entire time. It was a two-fold situation.
Now almost 9 months postpartum I've not had the urge to drink. I've been to two weddings, a gala, an anniversary party family events everywhere you often think you might be persuaded to drinking and have stayed strong. None of these events have had fun mocktails either so I just sipped on water or had a coffee to stay awake.
A few entries from my journal
*Written Nov. 2021
The bottle brings me so much joy I pour a glass and feel myself melt away.
Gone are my troubles, gone are my inhabitions, gone is me.
I slowly unravel from a tough day, which turns into a daily habit.
Monday open the bottle to relax, Tuesday time to unwind, Wednesday let's get through to the weekend.
I'm fine though, this is normal everyone does it.
I slowly unravel my life becomes a mess. My relationships clinging, my mothering suffering, my health tanking.
Gone are my troubles, gone is my life.
The bottle brought me so much joy though.
The silence and loniess are like tidal waves knocking me down.
Just when I pull myself up, I get pushed back.
I take a step towards the sunlight.
I reach my hand for anyone who will take it.
A stranger pulls me up.
I'm so overwhelmed with emotions I feel nothing.
I've broken into a thousand pieces and feel like I'm a puzzle waiting to be put back together again.
So many pieces broken and the picture I once thought was the goal is gone.
The pieces are scattered and in need of a tender heart, self-compassion and love to be put back together.
It starts one piece at a time. I look up to the stranger that pulled me from the ocean just to see my own reflection staring back at me through the moonlight on the waters edge.
I don't have any intentions to drink again. When I stopped I didn't say it was going to be forever it was just something I wasn't going to partake in. Now that I'm a year and a half sober I really don't see the need to drink again. I danced at the weddings I went to, I socialized with no issues at events, I wake up and feel good no hangovers. When people ask why I don't drink I tell them it was killing me mind, body and soul. I also lose my connection with a higher power. After typing in my entries above it also just hits on a new level of how broken I was and doesn't make me want to touch alcohol again.
I want to leave the podcast with resources if you're struggling with alcohol abuse or maybe can see yourself in parts of my story. Reach out and get help. I know it can be embarrassing but there are people to talk to and places to get help from. I actually started using an app to help me not drink and I will say that really helped jumpstart me. I also read books which I mention below. I will also mention if you're googling do I have a problem with alcohol the answer might be yes. I know I listened to the podcasts, Googled that term and I know for me the answer was a resounding yes. Please feel free to reach out if this helped in any way over on IG @seasonalandrea send me a DM even if you just need to tell someone something needs to change. I know it's sometimes easiest to tell a stranger before you admit it to people you love.
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